


Follow The Music In Your Heart

by Azulatatis



Category: Phandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drama, Drug Use, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Fame, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Getting Back Together, M/M, Musicians, Post-Break Up, Rock Stars
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-14
Updated: 2015-12-10
Packaged: 2018-02-21 02:46:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2451845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azulatatis/pseuds/Azulatatis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan is one of the most famous Rock Stars in the world, his voice have captured everyone's hearts, minds and soul and he should be happy as he have everything he ever wished for, but no, he still made a wrong decision and sometimes can't cope with that, now Dan will try to change every mistake made or leave everything as it is?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Meet Dan Howell

**Author's Note:**

> So I began making this and actually got pretty good ideas, inspiration and everything, hopefully you'll like it, at least a bit, so first of all this is obviously Fiction, my first language isn't english so please hang a bit in there if I get any mistakes, so....I guess that's it, enjoy :)

The lights, the music, the fame, it was what Dan Howell always wished and finally it became true, three years ago Dan was rehearsing on a bar when the famous producer Jeremy Swanson heard his performance. As soon as Dan ended Jeremy went backstage and decided to sign him. From there on Dan’s life became like something that came out from a dream, he recorded his first CD and became a best seller in the blink of an eye, but about what he left behind, well, we’ll talk about that later on.

“ _Danke Deutschland_!” Dan yelled to his crowd spinning his guitar’s strap so the guitar was now on his back, right now he was on Berlin as part of his ‘ _Dan Howell: MY SPECIAL ONE WORLD TOUR!_ ’ the name of his second album; as soon as he entered backstage Jeremy came and patted him on the back “That was AMAZING kid, you’ve made it far, I’m proud of you” “Thanks Jerry I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you” Dan smiled and gave him a side hug “Thanks kid, but there will be enough time for that later, right now get ready cause we’re going to the after party” Jeremy said checking out his schedule and flipping some pages “Tomorrow we’ll leave to London for the last concert alright Danny?” Dan rolled his eyes, he hated being called Danny and Jeremy totally knew that.

As soon as they came from the backstage door a mob of fans arrived and surrounded Dan asking for pictures and autographs and of course some of them came with slutty tight clothing that left little to the imagination.

Dan signed some autographs, took some photos with the fans and also signed some boobs, yeah that’s right the sluts wanted their breasts to be signed by Dan.

Dan’s bodyguards took him out and mounted him into the tour bus that took them to ‘ _Sky.Bar_ ’ in Berlin’s Andel Hotel for the after party.

Dan arrived to the after party and was welcomed by some popular radio figures, musicans and a lot of groupies that just wanted to sleep with him and right now Dan didn’t had any objections.

A couple of shots later Dan was on a cubicle receiving a lap dance from one blonde girl and making out with a brunette one. “You like this baby?” the blonde one asked while the brunette rubbed her hand over his crotch; Dan released a moan nodding. The second girl sat on Dan's legs and took her ‘moment’ with him moving his head away from the brunette and began making out with him.

Yes Dan Howell’s life was a complete rockstar life he had everything he wanted, money, looks, women, sometimes men and everything he wished for he had it. Well almost…

The next day Dan woke up with the two girls from last night at his side at his hotel bedroom and with a terrible TERRIBLE headache. He stood up from the bed slowly trying to not wake up the two sluts in his bed, yeah he used the term 'sluts' because that’s what they were just trying to get into celebrities pants and all that shit. He stepped into the shower, he knew he would be leaving soon, when he got out from the shower both girls were already up and in their underwear “Wasn’t last night the most fun you ever had Daniel?” asked the blonde one in her German accent “Yeah…it was ok” Dan shrugged giving both girls a small smirk “But I guess you need to go, I’ll be leaving soon” “If you need anything when you're back in town just call us again babe” the brunette said leaving both her and the blonde one her numbers on the counter next to the bed, soon they got dressed they left with a seductive wink to Dan and a couple of giggles.

Dan rolled his eyes and went to dress up himself and giving Berlin a last glance before leaving.

Arriving to the airport Dan had to be guided again by the bodyguards keeping him from his screaming fans who wanted to get his attention surrounding the whole place. “Flight 172 to London, England please aboard on door 23, repeat, flight 172 to London, England please aboard on door 23, thank you.”

Dan took his seat and began staring at the window when Jeremy sat next to him “Danny boy! Are you ready to go back to London for your last rehearsal? Maybe for this one we can…” But Dan wasn’t really listening him; instead he turned to the window and drifted into his own thoughts and memories.

_His smile, his laugh, he still can remember them, they were both laughing at the park while running into their special place direction, when both arrived they fell to the grass, Dan took his hand and stared at his gorgeous ice blue eyes “I love you Dan” he said, Dan smiled and said “I love you even more!” “Nah-ha! You’re lying!” “No I’m not!” “Yes you are! I love you waaay more than what you love me!” “That’s impossible my love” Dan said leaning closer to him and sealing their mouths in a passionate but sweet kiss”_

“Dan? DAN!” Jeremy yelled at him trying to get his attention “Wha-What?! Can you repeat that Jerry I was a little distracted sorry” Dan said giving Jeremy a small apologetic smile, Jeremy sighed “Come on Daniel it’s the LAST CONCERT you can’t get this distracted, it’s supposed to be THE CLOSURE you know, the LAST one it has to be MAGESTIC, SPECIAL, MAGICAL! Do you get me?” “Yeah…I understand what you mean.” Dan said turning his head to the plane’s window once more. Jeremy sighed “Dan I know it’s a bit hard returning to London after what happened but it was the choice made right?” Dan just sighed and said “whatever…” Jeremy began telling him his idea for the last show but once again Dan began drifting into his memories

_“OH MY GOD DAN! That song was amazing, wa-was it really for me?” he asked Dan with his eyes tearing a bit “Of course, happy birthday babe, this song was to show you how much I love you” “D-Dan I really don’t know what to say…It-it has the best thing anyone has ever done for me!” he said beginning to sob “Shh Shh babe don’t cry you’re worth everything, why I wrote you this song? Because I love you, I love you SO SO MUCH!” Dan said moving softly his thumb on his perfect boyfriend’s cheek, Dan leaned and kissed him softly on the lips, short but sweet and began to play the guitar again for his lovely boyfriend._

When the plane arrived Dan sighed because he wasn’t really on the mood for arriving to a place full of fans, grupies and paparazzi and everyone who wants to get into his life… or getting into his pants.

Dan crossed the airport waving at fans and flashing a wave of fake smiles everywhere, sometimes even if he has everything he wished to have in life, he wished things had turned a bit different, being happy with the one he called the love of his life, sometimes he gets moments like the plane ones where he remembers _him_ and just wishes to be with him again, holding him tight, falling asleep and waking up by his side, going to Starbucks for their caramel macchiatos, lying on the grass on their special spot in the park, their warm sweaty bodies against each other at some nights, telling him that every song he has ever made was for him and the most important thing kissing him and telling him everyday how much he loved him, but he can’t do that, not anymore, he have screwed everything up and can’t do anything to fix it, at least not right now.

_“So you made your choice…” he said in a soft weak voice “No argh! You can’t understand what this is!” Dan said exasperated “No Dan! You decided this, it could’ve been better, different but you choose this way, you changed Dan! Instead of sharing this amazing moment with me, you decided to ruin it by by-“ He couldn’t finish as tears began to pour down his face “Come on love-“ “DON’T CALL ME LOVE! NOT ANYMORE!” He yelled covering his face with both hands “Look…I don’t know why you’re so mad, I’m a star now, you should’ve seen this coming” Dan said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world “no Dan…NO! IF YOU REALLY LOVED ME YOU WOULDN’T HAVE DONE THIS!” he said sobbing even harder “I do love you P-“ “No you don’t!….at least not anymore….” He said the last sentence so soft that Dan almost doesn’t hear him. Dan sighed and stared at him “I’m sorry, I love you but maybe you should be a little bit more…open-“ “No Dan! You don’t get it, I-I-I don’t want to be with you anymore…” “Wh-What are you saying?” Dan said a bit shocked, his boyfriend began sobbing again and said softly “That we’re over Dan, I love you, goodbye.” and with that he opened the door and left leaving Dan standing there in shock._

Dan was about to leave the airport to his Penthouse but when he was climbing into the Limo he catches a glimpse of a guy with black hair and piercing blue eyes, ‘ _NO! IT CAN’T BE!’_ Dan thought “Phil…?” he muttered to himself, the black haired boy gave him a weak small sad smile before Dan was being shoved into the Limo.

As the limousine started driving away he turned to see all his fans trying to chase the car but that guy, the most perfect guy he have ever seen just dropped his small smile to a sad face and began walking away.  


	2. The Little Leather Notebook

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone so yeah! I updated quite quickly but the inspiration got me, and maybe this can show you that I'm a bit into this story, once again sorry if I have any mistake, English is not my first language. Hopefully you liked this chapter and wait soon for the 3rd chapter! Enjoy! bye bye! :D

‘ _Why? Why was he there?_ _I thought he hated me?’_ Dan thought to himself ‘ _Well he SHOULD hate you Daniel’_ That, that was his inner voice and sometimes his only true friend, Dan trended to talk alone sometimes when he was feeling conflicted between what he was doing and what he was feeling and this  was definitely one of those moment, those moments when he needed his only friend, oh well apart from Beck.

Beck is his personal assistant and became his best friend after a hook up between them a couple of months after Beck began working for Dan; Dan woke up crying and feeling terribly guilty as he had broken up with Phil about three weeks ago; that night after a recording session they went drinking and ended up in bed together, the morning after Beck noticed how miserable Dan was and let Phil tell him the whole story between him and Phil, Beck apologized for sleeping with him and became his shoulder to cry on after deciding to stay in a ‘ _Just Friends_ ’ status becoming really close.

Dan hid his face in his hands struggling with his own thoughts. “Dan are you ok?” Beck asked sitting next to him “He was there Beck….” He said in a really soft tone “Oh….” Beck didn’t really knew what to say, neither if them were hoping to see Phil at all in London, they thought he would have wanted to stay as far from Dan as he could “Why was he there Beck? Didn’t he hated me?” His breathing began to break as lots of memories began flooding him back

_“Ph-Phil” Dan moaned softly as his boyfriend’s lips were attached to his neck “This-This is my first time with a guy…” he said blushing and turning his face to a side a bit ashamed to look Phil in the eyes “Don’t worry bear I’ll be as gentle as I can, I love you and I want this to be the best experience that ever happened to you” Dan wrapped his hands around Phil’s neck and pulled him down for a forceful kiss “I love you, I love you so much!” he said feeling the joyful tears at the corner of his eyes “I love you so damn much bear, I want to be with you forever” he said softly against Dan’s lips “I-I’m ready” he said blushing. That night was the most magical one Dan ever had, he wouldn’t change it for anything._

Dan’s tears began flowing softly down his cheeks as he began remembering the best moments from their relationship.

_“PHIL! PHIL! You know the producer Jeremy Swanson right?” Dan arrived to Phil’s apartment, he was so happy he couldn’t hide the biggest smile Phil has ever seen plasted on him, Phil chuckled and nodded “Yeah, yeah I know why?” “Phil! Jeremy WANTS TO SIGN ME!” He said ecstatic “Oh my god Bear! THAT’S AMAZING! Congratulations my love!” Phil said jumping from his sofa hugging him tightly and spinning him around “I always knew that someday you would make it Dan, I never lost my faith on you bear, you finally did it, I’m so proud” Phil said before leaning to kiss Dan softly, as they separated Dan began tearing up “Thanks Phil, you were by my side the whole time, you’re amazing! I love you” and with that they leaned to kiss once more._

“Beck! I’m such an idiot.” Dan said sobbing lightly, Beck put a hand on Dan’s back and began rubbing softly “Hey, there there, don’t cry, everyone makes mistakes, come on let’s tell Jeremy if we can make a stop in Shakeaway” Dan gave Beck a sad smile and nodded, Jeremy was busy talking with the owner of the place where Dan will be making his last rehearsal so he just waved his hand in a way that said ‘yeah whatever’ which was fair enough for Dan and Beck to go and get a milkshake. The limo left them in front of the store and left.

They managed to go with just one bodyguard, a guy named James, but don't get him wrong he was also their friend and gave an appeal of undercover dressed like just another average guy, except a bit taller and a lot more buffy, he also became friends with Dan one day when the paparazzi were chasing him down in Los Angeles, when he was cornered James arrived and pretended being Dan’s bodyguard taking him out of there, since that moment James became the second and last friend Dan still had.        

The three of them passed perfectly under covered, Dan with a hat and some sunglasses, Jeremy and Beck just their using casual clothing and sunglasses just to make sure they didn't call the attention of some paparazzi. As soon as they arrived to Shakeaway they ordered, paid and took a seat on a table at the corner so they wouldn’t bring on much attention. “Dan, are you ready for tomorrow?” James asked slurping his drink “I am, it’s just that I don’t really know how I made it, I mean it’s…unbelievable” Beck chuckled “Don’t be modest Dan I’ve seen you LOTS of times before rehearsals, I know you’re freaking out in your insides” Dan gave him a light punch on the arm “I am SO not nervous” “YES YOU ARE!” James and Beck said at the same time “Are you like coordinated or something?” Dan asked while giggling a big talking a gulp from his shake “Nah! More like ‘we love annoying you’” Beck said bro fisting James.

“Oh my gosh!…ahem, hey!” A brunette girl approached them with other two girls a black haired one and a red haired one “Hey!” Dan said flashing them one of his ‘heart melting smiles’ the girls squealed and giggled a bit before the brunette one begin asking “Am…am…Mr. Howell-“ “Call me Dan” Dan said in a smooth tone, the same one that got everyone fall for him, the girls squealed again and finally asked “Can we um, can we take a photo with you?” Dan chuckled and nodded “Sure thing, anything for my fans” They took a group photo, then the brunette one asked to one of her friends if they could take a picture of just her and Dan, after that she leaned and kissed his cheek and Dan winked at her, the girls went out from the store giggling and squealing like there was no tomorrow. Dan took a deep breath ' _I hate so much pretending being someone I’m not…_ ' Dan thought sitting back into the table.

While walking back to Dan’s penthouse they passed by the park Dan used to go with Phil when they were together and felt a pinch of sadness “Hey um, guys is it ok if I catch you later?” Dan asked a little nervous James would say no, but after seeing his face James just turned to Beck and like knowing what Dan needed both nodded “If you need anything Dan you have our numbers on speed dial, we’ll distract Jeremy so he doesn’t freak out when you don’t arrive with us and Daniel, please please come back at least in two hours or I’ll come here looking for you ok?” James said in a serious tone and then turned it into a smile “Thanks James! A lot! I’ll catch you guys later ok?” Dan hugged them both and went running into the park fast; James and Beck sighed, “Do you think he’ll be ok?” James asked, “I don’t know dude, I really don’t know.”                

Dan ran through the park as fast as he could until he arrived to his special place behind some bushes next to the lake, it was still as beautiful as always, he never thought he would be here again, he got near the edge of the lake and began remembering how he wrote his first song in there thinking about Phil, about how happy he made him in this place, but that was all in the past right now wasn’t it? He fell into the soft grass. Dan took a deep breath and lied down watching the clouds and closing his eyes drifting into more memories.

_“Daaan knock it off, seriously, were are we going?!” Phil giggled trying to move Dan’s hands from his eyes “You know, the point of a secret is about NOT telling you know, now shush it!” Dan said laughing while guiding Phil through the park “I’m serious Dan if you leave me in a forest like some kind of unwanted animal I’ll kill you!” Phil said giving up on moving Dan’s hands “Don’t worry Philip I would never be THAT cruel.” After a few minutes of walking and Phil whining and complaining, “Ok so at the count of three I’ll let you go alright?” Phil nodded slowly a bit unsure “One…two…THREE!” Dan uncovered Phil’s eyes and in front of him a picnic blanket next to the lake under the moonlight and lit up by some candles “D-Dan wh-what is this?” Phil stuttered, he literally had NO words to describe how beautiful it was; Dan took a deep breath and turned to face Phil taking his hand “Phil…We’ve been friends for a long time now, and I swear, I SWEAR I haven’t felt this way for anyone ever in my whole life” Both his and Phil’s eyes began watering and finally Dan dragged Phil into the picnic blanket, Phil took a seat next to him “Phil, you’re the most amazing person ever, you’ve been encouraging me to keep going on my dream of becoming a musician since I know you, you’re the best friend anyone could ever ask for and that takes me to the next question, Philip Michael Lester will you be my boyfriend?” Phil was crying and tackled Dan down capturing his lips with his own, the kiss lasted a few minutes but it felt like it lasted forever, when they finally parted lips Phil was still on top of Dan and they never broke their eye contact “Is that a yes?” Dan asked in a joking tone “Of course it is you idiot! YES! YES! I’LL BE YOUR BOYFRIEND!” Both kissed once more and enjoyed their first date like it was the last day of their lives._

“October 19th...that is…was our anniversary date…” Dan muttered to himself while letting the tears fall from his face “In one week it would’ve been our anniversary…”

The sun began setting and the sky was orange with a hint of yellow, Dan has been crying in the field by the memories of Phil and his relationship for about an hour and a half, he had to go back to his penthouse or James, Beck and mainly Jeremy were going to murder him.

Dan stoop up and began walking into the bushes so he could return to the main road of the park. As he was crossing through the bushes he tripped into something, Dan turned around and saw a little book dropped in there, Dan picked it up and saw it was like a notebook but with leather cover and very thick, Dan opened the first page to see if there was any information of the owner so he could give it back. Dan's eyes opened wide as he saw the tag with the name on the inside of the cover ‘ ** _If lost please return this notebook to:_** _Phil Lester ’_


	3. Meet Phil Lester

Philip Lester was on his way home, he was coming back from his ‘special place’ at the park, when he’s confused, sad, angry, practically any feeling, he goes to his special place, takes out his special notebook and begin having a break from everything else, yeah for Phil everything is special; anyway this special notebook is where he draws, rants, writes his most intimate thoughts and sometimes writes some poems and songs but that’s not what he fancies anymore. He decided to come home soon because he had an appointment with two of his best friends PJ and Chris, he have known them from ages when they used to be the complete gang, but that’s something Phil doesn’t want to talk think anymore; as he was walking home a group of girls probably 18-19 years old were squealing outside the Shakeaway across the street and jumping like if they have won the lottery or something like that. Anyway he wasn’t really on the mood to know what happened around him so he made his way faster to his apartment.

Phil took a shower and after getting dressed the doorbell rang, it HAD to be PJ and Chris so he opened the door and let them in “What’s up mate!” Chris exclaimed giving Phil a bro hug “Hey Phil how is it going?” PJ asked, Phil could say something happened while they waited as Chris and PJ’s hair were disheveled and both their lips were red and swollen, if they thought they could fool Phil they were totally nuts, or well at least bit more than what they already were. Phil knew Chris and PJ have been hooking up for a while now it’s just that Chris and PJ were afraid of telling him, or just thought they weren’t obvious.

They made their way into the living room “I’ve been pretty good actually” Phil hesitated a bit and began fumbling with the remote that was on the coffee table next to him and turning his stare into the window, Chris and PJ exchanged looks “Phil…we are talking about what do you feel that Dan is back in town?” Phil dropped the remote and quickly fled into the kitchen “I’m fine why wouldn’t I be I mean it’s not like Dan broke my heart like a heartless bastard and…and…” Phil’s voice began breaking a bit at the thought of Dan “…left me here alone while he was out there having the perfect life, fucking all those whores…while-while I-I just cry to my sleep every-every fucking night!” Phil broke down on the last part falling on the kitchen floor sobbing, Chris and PJ quickly ran to him and squatted next to him, PJ rubbing his back lightly “Hey hey mate, don’t cry for that scumbag, I have a better idea, why not going out to some cool place tonight, we can go to the movies, we can go to Shakeaway, maybe also playing laser tag, just don’t cry buddy, or me and PJ will also cry, you know how much of a baby he is” PJ pouted and playfully punched Chris making Phil giggle a bit, Chris and PJ smiled, Phil scrubbed his eyes and sniffed “You’re right guys I shouldn’t act like this for a guy who hasn’t even thought in me in the last two years, let’s go!”

They ended up having a blast of a night, they decided going for Pizza, PJ’s uncle is the owner of a really good pizza place so he can get inside whenever he wants without making line outside.

They sat down on the ‘Family Table’ and PJ’s uncle approached to take their orders “ _Ciao PJ che cosa vi posso servite questa notte_ _?_ ” oh yeah by the way, forgot to mention PJ is half Italian so he speaks Italian around family “ _Buona notte zio, noi mangeremo qualcosa che pensi che sta buono_ ” Chris and Phil just stared at PJ speaking in Italian to his uncle, Phil always thought of Italians like a big mafia…and he still thinks PJ’s uncle is like the Godfather or something like that.

PJ’s uncle brought them a pizza called ‘Margarita’, tomato, mozzarella and basil, his uncle actually made really good pizzas so if he was member of a mafia he must be the cooker.

After a few good laughs they all went to the cinema, arriving, there were ads everywhere announcing Dan’s concert, which made Phil’s smile drop a little bit. Chris went to get the tickets for the film and Phil felt PJ’s hand on his shoulder “hey Phil are you alright?” Phil just stared at the floor and took a deep breath “PJ…I’ll tell you something and I don’t want you being mad because of it ok?” PJ looked a bit concerned and worried for Phil “Yeah sure dude, what’s the matter?” “Um…today…on my way to the park I collided with a group of girls who were squealing about Dan’s arrival at the airport so I…” Phil took a deep breath turning to look PJ in the eyes “I went to the airport and…”

_“Mr. Howell!! IN HERE IN HERE, A PICTURE!” paparazzi always yell the same stuff, why should celebrities care for them if they don’t care about celebrities, that always passes through Phil’s mind, he saw the mob moving, pushing, yelling, chanting Dan’s name, he really didn’t wish to be that close, so he stayed at the end, he saw the bodyguards passing and the brown hair fixed into his emo flap ‘Oh Dan you never change do you? Still the same haircut and the same beautiful face’ Phil thought, Dan flashed the fans and paparazzi a few smiles, I knew them, the media knew them as his ‘Heart melting smiles’ as he was stepping inside his limousine he turned his face and their looks crossed, Dan’s face dropped in shock as their eyes connected for the first time since what felt like forever, Phil gave him a small weak smile and then Dan was shoved by one of his bodyguards into the limo. Soon the limousine was driving away every fan Dan had began chasing the limousine but Phil just took a deep breath, dropped his smile and turned around to walk away trying to keep the tears inside his eyes.  
_

Phil was trying so hard to keep the tears inside as he told what happened to PJ, his green eyed friend placed his hand on his shoulder and pulled him into a hug, “Hey guys got the tickets...what-“ PJ raised a finger to his lips giving Chris an idea of what happened, he approached to hug Phil from the other side. Phil sniffed and turned to them “Thank you guys you’re the best!” Chris and PJ smiled “Come on buddy let’s enjoy this shit!” Chris said grabbing Phil’s wrist and pulling him inside the cinema. 

Phil was a bit scared of the film to be honest, they entered to ‘Annabelle’ and to be honest, being afraid of a doll, yeah it’s a bit hardcore but Phil really doesn’t like horror movies, he turned his head just to see Chris and PJ passionately making out ‘ _well THAT escalated quickly_ ’ Phil thought, he didn’t really knew if they considered how little discrete they looked, maybe they thought that in the dark room no one would see, bah terrible mistake, they can be seen even over the top of London Eye. Phil stood up a bit uncomfortable, he began thinking of himself as a third wheel, as he was leaving, Chris and PJ saw him standing up and separated quickly “Ejum…where are you going Phil?” asked PJ both he and Chris trying to act like if nothing ever happened, Phil rolled his eyes “I’m…I’m going for a hotdog” “Can you bring us a soda and an ice cream sandwich please?” Chris said pulling out 20 pounds from his pocket. “Am…yeah sure” as Phil was getting out from the room he turned his head and saw how Chris and PJ were attached at each other once more; Phil chuckled and rolled his eyes as he went to the candy bar.

He was returning with the hotdog, the soda and the sandwich, Phil couldn’t really see where he was going and was barely keeping the balance, if he wanted to keep everything in place he should keep everything blocking his view, the next thing Phil knew, the hotdog was falling into someone and the soda spilling over him. Phil fell into the carpet, he opened his eyes and saw another guy in front of him with the hotdog all over his t-shirt, he raised his sight and his blue eyes met the other’s dark green ones “OH MY GOD I’M SORRY! I’M SO SO SO SORRY!” Phil began apologizing but the other guy just chuckled and shook his head, then he stood up and offered Phil his hand “Don’t worry buddy accidents happen” the dirty blonde said in an American accent and tried to sound as tranquil as possible so Phil could calm down “No, no, I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, I’ll pay for it” the dirty blonde one pretended to think and said “You can pay it to me, by going on a date with me” he said smiling at Phil, he had to admit the guy was a pretty good looking guy, light tanned skin, dark green eyes, dirty blonde hair and with a hot American accent.

He gave Phil a toothy grin “alright I’ll go out with you, sorry again” he chuckled “Seriously, no trouble here, I’m Derek nice to meet you by the way” he said extending his arm for a handshake “Phil, same, nice to meet you” both laughed a bit “It’s a pleasure Phil, just wished we would’ve met in other circumstances” Derek chuckled “I think it’s my duty to pay for your hotdog” said Derek “Nah, actually it was just an excuse to get away from my friends, snogging inside, not wanting to be the third wheel, you know…” he said rolling his eyes at the though, Derek chuckled once more and nodded “I know it has happened to me a lot in the past” Phil’s eyes grew wide “Really?! I mean, you am…you look like the type of person who doesn’t trend to be a third wheel” “Well in California it happened quite a lot” he smiled “So you ARE American the fall didn’t made me imagine the accent” “Nope, totally American, 100% stars and stripes” he smiled, Phil giving him a small smile back “So would you like to go out with me tomorrow?” Phil’s smile dropped a bit “Um…sorry tomorrow I can’t but maybe the day after tomorrow?” Derek’s face lit up and nodded “Sure thing! I’ll see you at the park that is around the block at 7:00pm? Here’s my number and address, call me if you need anything” Phil blushed a bit as Derek winked at him “See you on Friday Phil!” Phil turned and saw the paper with the number and address, then turned up his face to see Derek walking away.

He decided not telling any of this to Chris or PJ to evade any questions or speeches, after the movie ended, Chris and PJ left him on his apartment, he went directly to his bedroom looking for his bag, he had a pretty intense day and just wanted to relax a bit, he grabbed his bag and began looking for his notebook and write down the closure of the day when…”Oh god…No NO please no! Where…where the hell is it? My-My notebook?! Oh god no! This can’t be true!” Phil was beginning to lose all self control he had he tried to recall the whole day “No! NO! The park! My book fell on the park! GOD!” He began hyperventilating, every secret, deep thought, drawing, memory, song, EVERYTHING was inside that notebook; god knows who could have found it, see everything and make fun of him.

Phil made his mind and decided to go and look for his book tomorrow and find it at any expense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was chapter three, hope you liked it, and hope I didn't had so many errors. So yeah Phil still thinks a lot about Dan but maybe it's the time to move on ;) AAAAANYWAYS hope you enjoyed, chapter 4 up soon :3  
> PS: Sorry if the italian was poorly written, I kinda suck in Italian...


	4. Before The Last Concert

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here goes the next part of the story, I was planning on also adding the concert but decided to leave it for the next part, again sorry if there's any mistake, English is not my first language, but anyway enjoy! :3

A soft knock at the door scared Dan making him jump a bit over his bed; he had been staring at the notebook, unable to actually read what was inside since he found it. When he arrived home Jeremy wanted to talk about the rehearsal but he just waved his hand in an ‘I don’t care’ manner and locked himself in his bedroom.

Dan hid the notebook under his pillow and opened the door revealing Beck and James outside both of them giving him confused looks “Why have you been so tense since you came back?” Beck asked with concern “I’m no tense, nor nervous nor, weird I just…” Dan tried to think on an excuse “…need a moment alone guys, please, is that too much for asking? Tomorrow is a big day, come on.” James and Beck nodded a bit unsure making their way to the door “Alright Dan, but if you need anything don’t hesitate on calling us” Beck said closing the door.

Dan quickly ran back to his bed taking out the leather notebook and running his hand over the cover.

 

_“What are you hiding in there Phil?” Dan yawned, stirring around the covers with a sleepy smile leaning in one hand “N-nothing…” Phil said quickly trying to hide the thing in his hands, Dan laughed and launched forward trying to grab what Phil had but Phil moved quickly and covered what he had in hands moving and falling over the mattress in his stomach “NO WAY! It still isn’t finished!” Dan chuckled, Dan climbed over him, he leaned down until he reached Phil’s ear “You know, you look so hot and vulnerable right now” he whispered hotly making shivers run down Phil’s spine “D-Dan…” he tried to say but was cut by Dan “Don’t you want me…licking your whole body, filling it with kisses and love bites like this one…” he moved his head and began biting Phil’s neck, Phil released a moan “D-Dan…” Dan released Phil’s skin with a soft sound “Don’t you want it? Don’t you want ME?” he began sliding his hands until they rested on Phil’s bum “D-Dan…Bear, I will never let you see this-this drawing before it’s finished” Phil suddenly turned around making Dan fall to his side with wide eyes, Phil hoped out the bed and before he left the bedroom he turned to Dan winking at him sticking out his tongue in that little side gesture he knew Dan loved making Dan groan “Awww Phil! Come on let me see that!” he said pouting; he hopped out of the bed going after Phil._

 

Dan smiled at the memory, he just can’t cope with how Phil’s face looked when he saw him at the airport, it just wasn’t what Dan expected, he took the notebook and decided to open it, maybe it could help Dan to know a little bit more about Phil and what has been happening with him this time that passed.

**This is the first page of my recording notebook, memory guide, Journal? What the fuck I’m even doing with this, my mom send it to me because her son of 20 years old can’t express his feelings in any other way, pfff yeah sure, but oh well today is October 14, 2009** **my best friend in the whole world Daniel or as I call him Dan, sang a cover at The Broken Cricket’s Pub, he was amazing as always, want me to tell ya a secret? Of course you want you’re like a journal or whatever this bloody thing is, I kinda have a major crush on him, there’s something about him that makes me tremble, feel like fireworks at my stomach, aidjsakjlda how can I even write this, how embarrassing, I’m feeling like those STUPID teenagers in those STUPID dramas… but yeah I kinda have had feelings for him since a year or something like that, I know he’s bisexual and he know’s I’m also bi so maybe I do have a chance with him after all right? Anyways on the 19 th he’ll have another rehearsal once more at The Broken Cricket’s pub, MAN those guys really like how he plays and sings, so do I, I hope someday he’ll make it big, anyways I’m feeling kinda lame doing this so I’ll stop writing right now…**

Dan chuckled a bit as he read that, but at the same time holding big urges of crying, he was going to keep reading when Jeremy’s voice sounded from the other side of the door “Daniel, man, we REALLY need to plan the rehearsal, tomorrow is the last show we don’t have the luxury of making the show at the last second, you can bloody rest as soon as this shit’s over so let’s freaking do this!”

Dan sighed, closed the notebook, hid it under the pillow and went to the main room, it actually looked like the stereotypical Penthouse loft, he never realized how big and lonely it could get, but right now he had some other stuff to think about.

The loud sound of the alarm filled his bedroom, Dan stirred a bit groaning, turning off the alarm, 5:30am, Dan groaned once again, this is one of the things he hated, he had to wake up early to make sure the whole show, sound check and the Meet & Greet went good.

 

The limo left Dan and the crew on the O2 Arena; he could barely believe that he got sold out in the first week. Dan arrived backstage and saw everyone moving objects, being pressured and screaming like if they did a little mistake they would be murdered; Dan just entered his dressing room and grabbed his guitar, sat on a small beanbag that was on the corner and began playing whatever came to his mind; halfway, Phil’s face popped up into his mind, he opened wide his eyes and stopped playing, he laid back on the bean bag pressing the palm of his hands into his face, with a loud groan he took an aspirin and went back to his guitar trying with all his force not to think about Phil.

He could already the M&G fans standing there waiting for the sound check, Jeremy went out stage and Dan heard him trying to calm down the crazy fangirls and well fanboys “Ok let’s state some rules everyone, Dan will come here in 5 minutes-“ everyone yelled “Yeah yeah I get it, I get it, you’re all super exited, well he’s also excited but a bit nervous at the same time, so please don’t scream until the concert. After the sound check he’ll answer some questions and then you’ll be taken to another room backstage where you’ll be meeting Daniel and having your photo with him ok?” Everyone screamed again and Jeremy came back to where Dan was standing with his guitar in hand “Having problems out there mate?” Dan asked a bit sarcastic “Nothing I haven’t handled in the past, now get your arse out there boy and knock them out”

Dan got on stage and fans obviously ignoring Jeremy’s rules began screaming and chanting Dan’s name, he took the microphone and knocked on it with his fingers a couple of times to see if it was on, he gave thumbs up to the sound cabin and sat down on a stool “Hello everyone” once again everyone screamed “Lovely to see you guys this, afternoon right? Still afternoon?” “5:38 Dan!” One girl on the second row said, he giggled “thanks honey” and then winked over her, making her squeal almost fainting “So tonight I’ll do a dynamic a bit different being my last concert of the tour, even if Jeremy gets a little bit angry with me” he said grinning at Jeremy who kept a confused face “Let’s sing the song you request, now rise your hands” quickly everyone raised their hands “Mmmm….let’s see…” he murmured “You, the girl with the giant me on the shirt and a llama hat” she squealed and quickly replied “Dan, If-If it’s not much trouble, can-can you sing L-Like No one else, please?” Dan gave her one of his famous smiles and nodded “sure baby”. Dan played the songs as he knew how to do it, he played a couple of songs until someone mentioned one of his first songs that came out as soon as he got his contract, from his first CD and completely inspired on Phil, he decided it being the last song from the sound check and began playing

_Dan played the last notes and left the guitar behind the couch “So what do you think about it baby?” he said a bit unsure fidgeting with his fingers “T-that-that was f-for me?” Phil asked, “Yeah, um…did you liked it?” Phil teared up and covered his mouth; he had no words to express how he felt “B-bear…” Dan’s face fell “Damn it! I’m so stupid I knew that song sucked and didn’t expressed completely my feelings for you” he said hitting his forehead with his hand, then he felt soft hands grabbing his hand and turned to see Phil crashing his lips against his, Dan moved his hand and held it on Phil’s cheek, Phil deepened the kiss and then broke it off slowly, their foreheads resting against each others “Bear, that-that was perfect, I love you, I love you so damn much that if you ever leave I think I might die” he whispered and another tear fell across his cheek, Dan brushed his finger against it and whispered back “I swear we’ll be together forever Phil, you have no idea how much I freaking love you” then they both kissed again like if it was the last kiss they would ever have._

Dan finished the song and took a deep breath, everyone tearing and clapping “That was great Dan but I bet you’ll sound even better in a few hours. Anyway let’s begin with the Q & A shall we?” Jeremy said pacing a bit exited around the stage.

“Mr. Howell-“ Dan chuckled “Please, call me Dan” the girl giggled, “Dan, did you ever thought you would get this far?” “Nope, actually I’m still wondering what the heck I’m doing up here” he let a nervous laugh and scratched his head a bit thinking about how he was discovered, another girl took the microphone “If you haven’t became a music god, what would you be doing right now?” he smiled at the ‘Music God’ compliment and answered “Maybe a sad lawyer as everyone from my family wanted me to be” he pulled a disgusted face at the memory of his dad yelling at him for dropping university. This time it was a guy who asked, “Dan, do you compose every song you play?” Dan was about to answer when he remembered two songs from his first CD made by Phil and wasn’t even credited on them, but he couldn’t leave the fans know he didn’t made a couple of his songs “Yup, I make every single one of them” another guy got picked for the next question “Dan, my friend, fave sports teams?” everyone chuckled, even Dan “Let me se…Football Manchester United, Basketball Boston Celtics, American Football San Diego Chargers, Hockey Montreal Canadiens, Rugby London Scottish” and as always the last question had to be the one who wanted to make Dan cry “The song ‘Together for the Eternity’ you know the last song you just played, was inspired in someone special?” the girl asking blushed a bit; “Ummm…” _“I swear we’ll be together forever Phil, you have no idea how much I freaking love you”_ “…no, just random inspiration I guess” he said dropping his sight to the floor, Jeremy stepped up again on stage claiming it was finally time for the photos.

Dan stood up and walked again backstage “Dan are you ok? You seem a bit-“ Beck asked him but Dan walked past him rising his hand “I don’t want to talk right now ok? Beck please, knock it off…”            

“Alright everyone, we need you to make a line so please take out your bracelets and get ready, Daniel won’t be receiving any gifts but he can receive letters, you have limited time to stay inside the room, after that make your way back to the arena and find your seats” ‘ _Ok here we go, let’s do this right Dan, it’s your last rehearsal, let’s get this right, come on, don’t be sad!_ ’

The group of fans around 18 to 25 came into the room and left in the blink of an eye, some began crying moment they got into the room and saw him, during the pictures, some girls rubbed their breasts over his arms, some even grabbed his bum, there was one that left a small paper with her number on it, some guys even told him they would become gay just for him, Dan felt flattered, really, he was, but he wasn’t really interested in any of them. After everything was done, it was finally the time, the end of his world tour, the end of HIS FIRST world tour, He’d be free for a couple of months until he had to give a new list of songs and begin recording again.

“ARE YOU READY?”

 

The voice boomed through the arena and everyone began screaming.

 

“HERE. COMES. DAN. HOWELL!”

 

‘Your moment’s here Howell Let’s do this!’

 

Dan though to himself and jumped on the platform as it began raising, he could hear the chanting of his name “Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

 

‘You waited your whole life for this moment’

 

And in that moment a face popped up into his head

 

‘ _Go there and be the best as you know how to do it, I love you_ ’

 

Dan closed his eyes and smiled

 

‘This one goes for you my love, my soulmate, my Phil…’


	5. The Concert and After Paty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Uploading a bit late, I'm sorry, but well now updating, hopefully you'll like the chapter and just wait for the next chapter, someday Dan and Phil will be reunited don't worry :P anyway hope you like it, again sorry if I had any error. Have a nice week and a nice reading :D

The public screamed even louder as the platform arrived to the stage and everyone going crazy, chanting Dan’s name, the first spotlight turned on illuminating Dan’s spot, “Good. Night. Londooon!” Dan said loudly through the microphone, everyone screamed, “Are. You. READYYYYY?!” more screams. Dan passed a hand through his guitar and fireworks came from the stage, the musicians came from another platform, this time from the ceiling, the spotlights behind him turned on and they began playing.

Dan always feels so alive when he’s onstage, he feels free, like he was reliving all the tension he have in life.

By the time the middle of the concert arrived, he felt so inspired, everything else erased from his mind, he saw the lights flashing and gave a look to everyone, everyone was going crazy and Dan couldn’t believe how far he got, right now it was time for one of Dan’s most popular songs from his first album, ‘ _Together for the Eternity_ ’ or as he knew it ‘ _Phil’s song_ ’ “Alright everyone!” he breathed against the microphone “I guess most of you know the next song, so I want you to sing it with me” everyone screamed one more time once Dan began playing the first notes from the song, it was soft at first and then the rest of the musicians joined him. Dan was once again letting himself go with the flow, it was time for an added solo and suddenly Dan closed his eyes, every note, every sound, everything reminded him of Phil.

 

_Everyone was screaming and singing along, Dan turned to his left and saw Phil singing along, he couldn’t believe how perfect his boyfriend was. They were at ‘Muse: The Resistance Tour.’ Two weeks ago Dan arrived Phil’s apartment in Manchester and saw Phil acting a bit off, when he asked Phil what was wrong he told him he has been hiding something from him, they were close to complete their first month as a couple and Dan was already thinking that Phil got bored of him and wanted to break-up but after a few minutes of Phil making Dan even more nervous he went to his room and came back giving Dan one paper fold, he opened it and got a bit confused seeing inside were two train tickets to London. Dan raised one eyebrow “What are they for?” Phil giggled at Dan’s face and took out another paper fold, Dan frowned a bit, confused at what was Phil’s plan but still opened it and then his eyes went wide, two tickets for the Muse concert at London, he though he would miss it, then he turned his head up and saw Phil’s wide smile “So…are you coming with me? Or I’ll have to ask Chris?” Dan jumped from the sofa and bear hugged Phil spinning him around._

_Now they were over there watching Muse live, freaking Muse, one of Dan’s favourite groups with the best man in the entire world. Phil turned his head and saw Dan staring at him with dreamy eyes and a small smirk “Hey, is there something wrong Bear?” Phil asked a bit worried that Dan wasn’t having a good time; Dan gave Phil a small smile, took his hand and pulled him closer, Phil fell forward and his lips crashed against Dan’s, they say concert kisses are an unique experience, and they were oh so right; Phil tangled his fingers on Dan’s hair while Dan firmly grabbed Phil’s waist, when they broke the kiss their foreheads were touching “If someday I become famous, I’ll be kissing you in THAT stage” Dan said pointing directly to the stage without breaking eye contact “So the whole world will know you’re mine and I’m yours” A tear fell down Phil’s cheek and he shook his head “No, not_ ‘IF’ _you WILL become famous someday, you’ll see” both gave each other the biggest smile they could and reattached their lips once more._

 

Dan kept playing the solo, the screams faded and it was just the sound of the guitar like he was the only one in the world, his heartbeat, Phil. He opened his eyes as he finished the solo, breathing heavy and the public erupting in screams and chanting his name once again; it was time for the last chorus “Come on everyone! Sing with me!” while singing the lines he felt the tears welling in his eyes when the song was over and he had a tear rolling down his left cheek.

He smiled breathing heavy seeing how the lights moved through the public and while the lights were moving he swear, he could completely swear he saw Phil in the public. He froze a bit unsure of what he saw but quickly shook his head trying not to focus on that…at least not right now. The drums began playing the next song “Come on everyone! I’m sure you guys know this song, come on and sing along!”

The concert went even better than expected, it ended off with confetti, fireworks, smoke and some acrobats crossing the stage while Dan elevated on the platform and performed his last song, and most popular one “Loving crusher”; he ended with everyone chanting his name, but before the lights went out he tried to spot, Phil HIS Phil unsuccessfully. 

Dan climbed upstairs being greeted by Beck and James who hugged him, they were on a group hug when “Danny boy! My man! That’s what I call a closure!” Jeremy’s voice sounded, Dan turned and hugged him too “Alright kid, you’re free…for now, go to the party and enjoy yourself” he said turning and began texting “Wait! You aren’t coming to the after party Jeremy?” Dan asked a bit confused “Oh no no boy” Jeremy said shaking his head “I have to go to Boston and take care about this pop kid…Joey Graceffa was the name, CD, I really haven’t paid enough attention to him this days and you know business before anything else, anyways, have fun Danny, I’ll call you when I get back!” he said giving Dan another hug “You did it amazing! Good-bye!” and with that Jeremy left the backstage room. “James! Bring Michael, Terry and Nigel! There’re some fans already making a group outside waiting for Dan!”

The limousine arrived pretty soon to pick up Dan and the crew; Beck and James began chatting while Phil turned to the window thinking about what exactly had happened. Did he actually saw Phil? Or was it only his imagination?

Arriving to the Sanderson hotel they went to the master suit that was reserved just for the after party Beck took out a Vodka bottle and James a Jägermeister and of course the small bar that was inside the room.

Dan, Beck, James and a couple of other celebs and random people got into a shot contest, Dan drinking 7 vodka shots and the room began spinning, he turned his head and saw James and Beck on the sofa making out “W-w-woah! D-didn’t s-saw that co-coming…” Dan busted out giggling “Pfff...cumming” he kept walking and opened the door to the bathroom where he saw a couple of guys smoking weed and another one inhaling coke “Wassup mate-y?” said the guy with the pipe “S-s-sorrey I th-though…I don’t know w-what I was th-th-thinking…” Dan said in a serious tone and then laughed one more time “Want a touch?” the pipe guy asked Dan offering the pipe “S-sure why no-not?” Dan slurred and picked up the pipe inhaling slowly, keeping the puff and puffing it out “W-woah, it has, has been a while s-since the last-last time” the guy giggled and grabbed a bag with weed and an unarmed pipe inside “Here, my treat buddy, great concert today, for you” Dan stared at it wide eyed, it really has been a while since he last smoked weed, the last time was on Brazil 3 weeks ago when he lost the pipe “Geee! T-thanks maaaaaan….” Then Dan busted out once again laughing out loud.

A couple of hours later Dan literally had no idea what was happening one moment he was smoking weed with some random dudes at the bathroom and then he was drinking Jäger mixed with Relentless and some random girl sitting on his lap passing him some unknown pill while making out with her, she had big blue eyes, wavy long black hair and paper white skin, is it a bit weird that she reminded him of Phil? Nah probably was just his imagination. His cell phone vibrated inside his pocket interrupting Dan’s making out session with the random girl who was now grinding on him. “G-give me a minute babe” she pouted and Dan flashed her his ‘smile’ making her giggle a bit and then she nodded.

 

**_From: Beck the cocksucker_ **

**_Hei Howll, Jerkmy cslled nd ssid wee shoiud gho jome aoon…_ **

(Hey Howell, Jeremy called and said we should go home soon)  

 

He turned his head and saw Beck on James’ lap trying to focus on typing squinting his eyes and keeping some kind of balance grabbing James’ wide shoulders. And then his phone vibrated again.

 

**_From: Beck the cocksucker_ **

**_*hOMe…wooopes mah vad…_ **

(*Home…oops my bad…)

 

Dan let out a small chuckle before turning to the girl and frowned, he grabbed her hand and dragged her to some place on the back of room or anything they found for at least one quick blowjob before leaving.

It was already 3:00am when Beck, James and Dan arrived Dan’s penthouse. Beck and James fell over the couch passing out immediately, Dan was swinging to his room while having an uneasy feeling that someone was watching him, probably the weed or some shit he got earlier. Dan opened his bedroom door and kept walking until he got to the bed and jumped over giggling like a little kid, as he was falling asleep he felt something under his head. He dipped his hand under the pillow and took out a little notebook, he was about to open it but he passed out in that exact moment, falling asleep hugging the little leather notebook.


	6. The Enteries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone sorry for taking so long to update, school's been killing me, I'll try to make up for it and upload once again on Sunday! :D enjoy please! hopefully you'll like it! ^-^

There are some people who don’t have hangover and Dan think those are fucking un-humans or are just lucky bastards because as soon as his alarm went off his head felt like a tiny hulk punching every corner of his head. He hopped from his bed and really not giving a damn he grabbed the alarm clock and threw it through the window, when he plopped himself on the bed he heard something hit the floor making a loud noise, he leaned over and saw the notebook, _Phil’s_ notebook, Dan leaned and picked it up, threw it in his bed, and locked the door, he turned back to his bed and sat down. He kept staring at the book for what felt an eternity, he took a deep breath and opened it on the first page. “Property of: Philip Lester” and a small lion drawing next to the name. Dan’s lips turned into a small smile while he rolled his eyes ‘ _Classical Phil…_ ’ the flipped the page where he found the first entery.   

**So, today is October 19, 2009 it’s almost midnight. On my last entry I said I wouldn’t write anymore but I just can’t help it, today was the BEST DAY OF MY LIFE! What happened? Dan, the most perfect guy I’ve ever met happened, first he picked me up at 7:00pm so we could arrive to Liam’s on time, he was wearing a perfect fit leather jacket and black skinny jeans, I don’t know he looked so hot for a 19 year old boy, he played 6 songs and everyone went crazy, he has the talent, the looks, the…everything I still hope someday he gets discovered and fulfil his dream…but whatever, after that he suggested going for an ice cream, he took me to the park and after we finished the ice cream he took out a bandana, he said he had a surprise for me and that I should trust him, then he covered my eyes, I was getting pretty nervous and I really didn’t knew where we were going, after that he pushed me through a place full of bushes and I (NO KIDDING!) began feeling scared, but I trusted him. As soon as he untied the bandana, and in front of me, a magical hidden place in the park, candles and the moonlight illuminating the place and a picnic blanket, ~~I never felt so SO SOO DAMN IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE BEFORE!~~ resuming this, Dan declared his love for me and asked me to be his boyfriend, I said YES YES YES, of course, I’ve never been so DAMN happy in my entire life, he’s finally mine and I’m finally his, I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him, I LOVE HIM SO DAMN MUCH, WITH MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE! DAN + PHIL FOREVER!  
**

Dan began tearing up as he ended reading this, how could a memory that seemed so so far away ended up making him feel so suddenly empty, of course there where days when Dan missed Phil a lot, but never like this, it was like seeing him at the airport triggered something inside him and now he has never felt like this. He kept flipping pages until he saw his name once again, trying to hold the tears inside.

 

**December 12, 2009.**

**Dan and I went to play Laser-Tag; it was the best day ever, at first I was super sceptical, I mean how novelty isn’t it as I NEEEVER get sceptical with anything…anyways, he took me to this Laser-Tag/Kiddie Pizza Place like Chuck E. Cheese’s but with Laser-Tag instead of the Arcade place, hahaha we at some point felt like ‘Pedo-Bears’ our Laser-Tag round was with a couple of kids around 10 or 11 maybe, one was practically different to his friends, he had a small side bang and kept staring at me and Dan, I began feeling a bit uneasy until the voice box began speaking the rules, blablabla, bullshit bullshit bullshit, and we ended up inside, Dan was ‘Team Blue’ with two of the little stare-y kid friends and I was on the ‘Team Red’ with the little stare-y kid and another friend of his.**

**Ok no now this is super embarrassing, I don’t know if writing it is the best idea or I should keep it to myself…..OH WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WHY NOT? Just a side note: MOM IF YOU FOUND THIS I’LL HATE YOU FOR EVER READING THIS! SO YOU’RE STILL ON TIME, CLOSE THE DIARY AND GET OUT SLOWLY FROM MY BEDROOM…..Ok and I really REALLY doubt Dan could find this someday so here I go…we were hiding and the little kid came along with me, he kept staring “Is um…is there any problem little buddy” I remember I said, he shook his head and asked me if I was with you, I nodded, he looked surprised and asked me how I could be so normal when at his school there are some homophobic guys who are always talking bad about….well….gays…**

**He then confessed me that he had a secret relationship with one of the guys from Dan’s team and he was so afraid of everyone, that he loved him, even if he’s young and inexperienced he proudly said he was “In love with Adam!” how cute isn’t it? But then he asked me this this… this question ~~that made me want to throw myself from a bridge and stuff 20 cookies inside my mouth so I could just make muffled sounds and and and pretend to be a plan in the garden~~ “Phil-” oh I forgot to mention his name was Timothy “Timmy” for short… “Phil…do you…do you love your boyfriend?” and you know what diary YEAH I TURNED RED, CHERRY RED…NO! I.R BABOON RED! You know the I’m A Weasel character but YEAH YES YES I LOVE HIM, I’M IN LOVE WITH DANIEL JAMES HOWELL AND I’M PROUD OF SAYING….writing(?)…IT!    **

Dan couldn’t help but feel the tears begin to roll down his cheeks, he kept flipping pages, some had pictures, some had drawings, while flipping a Photo Booth strip fell, Dan opened the page into that page.

**February 14, 2010.**

**I’m usually a lone wolf on Valentine’s Day I really never understood the point but you know, having a boyfriend, specially a boyfriend SO PERFECT as Dan, to make this a bit short first he woke me up with his guitar playing softly and his soothing voice, after his song ended we ended up having a make out session, then we went downstairs and cooked some delicious pancakes, Dan is seriously the WORST flipper ever! Hahaha but I love him so much, then we went back to my bed and fed each other, not only the pancakes, also some blueberries, strawberries with chocolate and apple, giving the other orange juice and having the cheesiest breakfast I’ve ever had. After that we went to the cinema and watched Frozen, you know that thriller about teens trapped on a ski lift, I KNOW I KNOW SO CUTE AND ROMANTIC FOR VALENTINE’S DAY well I don’t care you opinion Mr Journal! But yeah I’m a crybaby for thrillers and horrors so the whole movie I kept getting worried for those guys, specially because one of them is named Dan and…half of the movie I kept having mentals of Dan freezing to death and lots of stuff that made me almost cry, I guess Dan saw it cause he began hugging and soothing me. After the movie we went to a Japanese fancy place where it happens to be those giant grills in the middle and the sushi bar is around the grill and other Japanese restaurant themed tables, after we ended dinner Dan offered to pay with his savings from his rehearsals at “The Broken Cricket”, I was trying to pay this time but he didn’t listened and he paid anyways, I SWEAR I’ll pay next time, I don’t want Dan thinking I use him for his money or something else god no! I don’t ever EVER EVEEERRR want to leave his side, I love him with my whole heart! After that we went to a Photo Booth I found where we took this strip of pictures, I’ll treasure this moment forever and finally when we got back to my place he decided to....to make my own private concert…with all those songs he knows I love <3 After that well….let’s just say that we kinda got…asjdks….OK OK we got naughty OK?! But hey what’s Valentine’s Day without the stereotypical, cheesy, cliché of sweet love making with your soulmate on the most “romantic” day of the year….but OH GOD I FEEL SO DIRTY BY EVEN CONSIDERING WRITING IT HERE…..!!!! I felt like a loser the last time, so NO MORE! NO MOREEE!!! But still it was the BEST day so far in my life….apart from the day Dan declared ^-^  **

**I love you Dan <3**

 

Dan was now openly crying while watching between the journal and the Photo Booth strip, the first picture was they both doing silly faces, the second one was them doing “intellectual men” poses, the third one them crossing eyes and the fourth one was of them kissing, Dan let out a choked sob, while trembling he opened once again the book on a random page and he couldn’t stand what he saw

**Yesterday was our first time; the cherry lube created a mess everywhere, gosh hopefully no one ever reads this, how embarrassing...**

Dan quickly changed the page and…

**Dan is such a perfect boyfriend, he wrote me a song, I think I should write one for him, even if I have NO talent for music I should try, he deserves it. Because I love him-**

He flipped it once again; anything could be better than this stuff. But then again the Karma is sometimes a bitch.

**October 11, 2014.**

**Today I saw him, I though that after two years of being away from him my feelings would have just gone away but no, they’re still there, at least I still think I love him, but what’s the point of loving someone who just hurts you once and twice and thrice, maybe buying the ticket for Dan’s concert was a terrible idea…**

Dan’s eyes went wide, Phil, DID went to his concert?! He could barely believe what he read but then again, he have just hurt him so much during the last couple of years, he finally broke down and the book fell against the duvet while he clung to the Photo Booth strip as if his life depended on that, as if he loosened his grasp a bit and Phil would be gone forever, but right now Dan was gone…he didn’t know if forever but so far it hurt and Dan was left there crying his eyes and heart out with flashbacks crossing his head, the day they first made love, the day they travelled to Jamaica together, the day they went skiing and finally the day Dan broke Phil’s and his own heart.


	7. Phil's Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil's date with Derek :B

Phil was ready for his date; it was time already to see Derek, he was dressed casually, skinny jeans, a flannel shirt and an open jacket, he was walking to this place they had agreed to meet on, his mind was still a bit anxious thanks to him being brilliant and losing his little journal but right now it was date time and he had to relax a little bit, still for some reason he thought he had seen Derek before the cinema incident. Phil shrugged it and made his way to his date. 

He saw Derek leaned against the window from the 50’s themed diner next to the park; he saw Dan walking on his way and gave Phil a big smile “Hey Phil, you look really good!” he said giving Phil a warm smile. “Thanks Derek, you also look pretty handsome.” he said blushing a bit. Derek let out a small giggle before taking Phil’s hand “Come on Philip, you have to try this food” and with that he dragged Phil inside the building. 

After getting inside they took a booth in the middle that gave a great view to the outside and was near the rock-ola that was playing some ‘Beatles’ song.

They sat down and quickly a teen around seventeen came with her roller-skaters and the menu with some kind of 50’s teenager dress “Hey Derek! It’s so nice to see you!” she said cheerfully also in an American accent before turning to Phil and rising her eyebrow turning to Derek and giving him a suggestive smile “And who is this cutie Derek?” he giggled and took Phil’s hand “Jamie meet Phil, Phil this is Jamie, she’s from Indiana and became my first friend in here, she always takes my orders and chats with me when I feel lonely” he said giving a big smile “But something tells me that won’t be a problem anymore” Derek with a wink making Phil blush.        

The date was going great. Derek ordered their food; Phil had a turkey sandwich with curly fries and a strawberry shake while Derek had a cheeseburger with French fries and the mystery shake. It was the first time Phil could actually said had a comfortable date since Dan’s mess; Derek has been in London for a month and he already knew this place like he lived here his whole life; the 50’s themed diner turned out, it was a small American business brought to England a couple of years ago, explaining why Derek knew this place. “So, what exactly brought you to England Derek?” he asked taking a bite of his turkey sandwich, Derek took a fry and dipped it in ketchup before taking a bite “You’ll see, I play football in America, not soccer, but actual American football, I play for the ‘Los Angeles Sharks’, I’m their titular quarterback but around 6 weeks ago I got stepped on my leg after a sack, which actually means when they tackle the quarterback, and sprained my knee, they said the best treatment was in England so I took it and now look I’m almost fully restored as you can see” Phil gave him a concerned look when he said about the sprained knee but smiled after Derek gave him a light laugh “They said I could return in November, hopefully to take the team to playoffs in January” he said before taking a bite of his hamburger “I’m so glad you’ll return to do what you love, I really don’t know anything about American football, not even football in general” Phil said giving a nervous laugh. “You know what, after I’m fully healed I’ll invite you to a game.” Phil’s eyes grew wide “B-but Derek are you sure? I mean, I don’t really get the game, leave that alone, it’s in America! What if-“ but he was cut off by Derek’s finger on his lips making Phil blush a little “Don’t worry about that Phil, we already have a December game scheduled here in London” he said giving Phil another wink.

After the dinner they went for a walk to the park near Phil’s flat; Phil actually considered showing Derek his secret spot but refused to that idea since he barely knew him. Halfway through their walk Derek dropped his arm around Phil, it was weird since Phil was tall, even taller than the average but Derek, with a reason, was even taller than Phil so it made him feel a bit…different. Suddenly two guys came with an excited expression “Excuse me sir, are you Derek McLain?” to which Derek gave them a big smile and nodded “I told you arsehole, it was him!” he said turning to his friend who rolled his eyes but never lost the excited expression “Can I have a picture with you? I love the Sharks man! I already got my tickets for the big game on Wembley!” the first guy said with an over excited one. Phil was actually surprised to see that Derek was a real deal worldwide “Just to be crushed by the Patriots man, but it’ll be awesome, Hall of famer against the future elite!” said the second one. Derek took a photo with each and gave him some small talk before the first one said “By the way, you and your boyfriend are quite adorable” before leaving making us both blush. Phil could swear he saw a flash coming from a quite long distance but he thought he must have been imagining things and shrugged it off.

When Derek and Phil returned to Phil’s flat Derek told him “We would actually be quite a cute couple, don’t you think so Phil?” which made Phil’s eyes go wide “Ah-Ah-m-maybe… I don’t-I don’t know…” he said mumbling, making Derek giggle a bit “Don’t worry Phil, I won’t pressure you into anything, but I just wanted to tell you I had an awesome night, maybe some other day we could repeat” which for some reason made Phil smile “Yeah sure, that would be awesome”. Before he could think of anything else Derek pulled him into a kiss; Phil’s eyes blew again and before he could react Derek broke the kiss “Sorry if that was a little fast, it’s just that I really like you Phil, and I swear if you give me a chance, I will try to make you the happiest boy ever” Derek said taking Phil’s hand into his own.

 

_Phil woke up to the soft feeling of kisses down his neck making him smile “What the bloody heck are you doing Dan” he asked in a mix between a laugh and a yawn “What? Can’t I spoil my baby boy from time to time?” Dan said snuggling even more into Phil resting his head in Phil’s chest while kissing it softly “Well, yeah you can but that is so rare” Phil said giggling while he wrapped his hand around Dan. They stayed like that for a while in a comfortable silence with closed eyes before Dan lifted his head poking Phil’s side “Love, I want you to know something, this chance you gave me was the best thing that ever happened to me, you have no idea how much I love you, I will try to make you the happiest boy ever. I love you Phil.” Then both ended up crashing their lips into a soft but passionate kiss sealing Dan’s promise._

 

“Maybe…maybe we could try Derek, just-just not right now, ok?” Derek gave him a sad smile and nodded “Don’t worry Phil, I’ll give you all the time you need, I really think there is something between us Phil, and I won’t give up” he said taking Phil’s hand into his and bringing it to his mouth to give it a soft kiss “Goodnight Phil, I’ll text you later”. Derek gave Phil a quick peck on the cheek and left. Phil got inside his flat with a lot to think about, he checked his phone and had tons of texts from Chris and PJ but then, there was one that made his head swim with million non stopping thoughts

 

**_From: Derek_ **

**_Goodnight sunshine, have sweet dreams <3_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for taking so long updating, at least here it is, Phil's date with Derek as promised, maybe a bit of a plot twist there, idk how you consider it, whatevs XD, as always hope you enjoy, remember english is not my first language so if I get any mistake I'm sorry. BTW 'Los Angeles Sharks' DO NOT extist while the Patriots DO exist XD and yeah there are some times in the year when some football games are played in England. Give suggestions for next chapter, I'll try to upload weekly again :)


	8. Dan Wants His Lion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I took forever no need to remind me, I'm sorry, VERY sorry! But school and life is hard....BUT anyways the new chapter is here! So enjoy....I hope :)

Dan has been trying to avoid his feelings about Phil’s notebook for the last couple of days, it’s been a week since his last concert and he’s still trying to forget Phil’s face and his beautiful and perfect eyes from his head.   
Dan was walking to the TV room with a beer, when he heard the distinctive ESPN tune coming from there, knowing James and Beck were already with their Saturday morning sports recap. Dan got inside the creativity room, a 150’’ flat screen TV, full stereo equipment, Wii, Wii u, Xbox 360, Xbox one, and PS3 and PS4, along with some classics like Nintendo 64, SNES and PS1. There was a wall height shelf full of games, another one full of movies, a third one full of CD’s and the last one full of comics and books. In the centre was a pool table and personal bar. 

“In other news Derek McLain is almost fully recovered, he is expected to be in the game scheduled in Wembley in two weeks before returning to Los Angeles.”

“Suck it knobhead!” Beck screamed “I told you that arsehole would be ready to knock out Tom Brady and his jackasses” James rolled his eyes and tackled Beck into the sofa “Patriots are way better, ‘you just hate us cause you ain’t us!’” “Oh stop with that stupid phrase bro!” then they began wrestling screaming which team was better “Oh knock it off already you turds!” Dan giggled before tiptoeing around them trying to not getting punched all over his three million pounds assured face. 

“But Nick that’s not what matters the most right now because he was spotted the other day with some guy that was quickly labelled as his ‘mysterious spit sharing friend’, we all know he declared himself bisexual last year but the clinic said he began getting better since this mysterious guy came around” 

Then a picture of Derek with his new ‘mysterious spit sharing friend’ was showed in the wide screen TV “Ehr…Dan, don’t you think that guy over there looks a bit umm…familiar?” Beck said with a concerned face. Dan turned his face and everything felt like time stopped. Phil. It was freaking Phil! Philip, Philip Michael Lester. “Wh-wha-what the bloody hell?!” Dan yelled losing his mind “Dan, Dan! Calm down maybe that wasn’t Phil, maybe…maybe he was some guy that looked like him” James said trying to calm him down. Dan pushed James aside and stormed out from the room and made his way to the balcony of the flat.   
When he was outside he grabbed his phone and called a certain friend or he should said friends that would certainly help him. Let’s say they owe him a big one.

“Hello?” “Hello Jack, are you and Finn free today?” “Umm…yeah I guess we are, do you need something Dan?” “I need a big, BIG favour my dear Jackie” he heard Jack sigh, “What’s wrong Daniel?” “I need you to umm…. you know, look for someone from me” the line went silent for a couple of seconds “Ugh... Dan you know I love you bro but, you know I don’t do that kind of film projects…” Dan scratched his chin before turning his voice tone a bit darker and desperate “Look, Jack, you and Finn owe me one, big time, and see this as the way to be even ok?” Dan then heard Jack sighing again on the other side of the line before agreeing “Alright Dan who do you want to get filmed?”

\------------------------------------------------------------- 

A couple of hours later Derek and Phil were walking outside from Tesco with a couple of full bags laughing about some joke when a pair of hot twins approached them.

“Hello Mr. McLain, my name is Jack Harries and this is my brother Finnegan Harries, we make films and documentals and we’re really interested in your participation for our project ‘The life of a football player: Derek McLain’. This is our card and our studio direction and number is written on the back, we already contacted your agent Mr. Smith and he agreed to a meeting but we told him we would only close the deal if you’re also willing to this Mr. McLain” 

Derek turned his head to Phil as if looking for an answer in him. Phil’s eyes were blown wide and staring from Derek to the twins, he could swear he already saw them somewhere else, maybe some production made before but he can’t recall which or where. Derek returned his attention to the twins “I’ll have to talk this with Blake, but as soon as I get an answer I’ll call you back alright?” the twins nodded smiling following with a handshake to both Derek and Phil as they left the place. 

As soon as they arrived to Phil’s flat they were already joking again, they left the bags on the kitchen island and suddenly Derek surprised Phil from behind lifting him up and spinning him around carrying him until they fell all over the couch, Derek tickling Phil and Phil trying to push Derek’s big body aside but in that moment Derek’s phone made the message tone, he lifted from there and saw it was the Shark’s head coach.

From: Head ‘Bear’ Coach 

Derek the team is arriving tomorrow at night; you better join to the practice this following weeks if you expect your ass on the field in two weeks. Also press conference as the team’s arrival and you re joining, remember the ‘Bye Week’ is for something.

Derek made a small smile because he was about to return to what he loved doing the most, he then turned to see Phil fixing his hair to the side as he always had it. His phone sounded again

From: Head ‘Bear’ Coach 

PS: Johnny and Timmy AND the rest of the team are insisting in saying hello….

He silently chuckled to himself “Hey Derek do you want dinner already?” asked Phil walking his direction with a cute smile in his face “And why is that big smile you have?” “Because my pals are a bunch of idiots!” he said laughing showing Phil his phone “And because you have the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen.”   
Phil blushed furiously while Derek placed his hand against his cheek, before Derek could do anything else Phil saw something that made his curiosity grow and making him a bit anxious “Why do you call your coach Bear?” 

Derek smiled once again “Well once we were training inside a forest back in California when suddenly coach Wilson went missing, then we found him covered in mud and he looked a lot like a bear.” He burst out laughing and Phil also gave him a light laugh until he remembered.

“So…. Bear?” he put his hand over his mouth to stop himself from laughing “Ugh! Knock it off Phil, I KNEW you shouldn’t have met my mom just yet…” Dan said pouting, crossing his arms in front of his chest “I think it’s cute” “he he you really think so?” Dan scratched the back of his head while his cheeks had a faint colour pink on his cheeks “Well It’s actually been a family nickname since I can remember, my mother says it’s because of me being a super fan of Winnie Pooh, and I mean who can blame me that bear was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen” he then turned to see Phil smiling wide at him “Apart from your smile, that’s the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen.” Now it was Phil’s turn to blush “I guess it’s settled then, if that nickname means so much to me, then you’ll become my bear” Dan was a bit nervous but softly took Phil’s hand in his as they kept walking through the park.

“So what do you say?” Derek’s cheerful voice broke Phil’s memory “Umm, sorry what?” he asked a bit embarrassed “I asked you if you wanted to come with me tomorrow to the press conference and meet the team and maybe hanging around for a little while, maybe go for a pizza and a macchiato after the conference, I know how much you love them. Phil smiled at him when he saw the spark of hope “Sure thing, What’s the worst thing that could happen” Derek gave him the biggest smile he’s ever seen in him as he ran down the hallway to call his agent telling him he’s bringing a ‘Plus one’. Phil wasn’t so sure but he had an odd feeling about this but he just shrugged it off and decided how bad could do going and cheer for Derek. 

Later that night on the other side of the room Derek just hung up with his agent and decided it was time for another call. “Hello, Mr. Harries? I already talked with my agent and would love to participate in your documental” after a small talk he hung up his phone and returned to Phil.

In some pub in the other side of the city Dan’s phone rang with the message tone while having body shots with his friends all over some random slutty girls, after having a third one directly from between her breast he reached for his phone and saw a message from just the person he wanted to hear from.

From: Jack Harries  
It’s done Dan, Derek accepted having his documental, by the way this is his agent: Blake Smith number: +44 (020) 5364 7485 and for the love of everything good and pure don’t bloody fuck this up Daniel! 

Dan smirked and raised the shot glass “ANOTHER ROUND BY ME!” and everyone cheered, Dan was getting his lion back even if that meant stepping over others to get it, he was never like that but seeing Phil with that, puny American made his blood boil and wanted him as far as he could from HIS Phil.   
He decided to get outside for a bit to get some fresh air and making an important Phone call.

“Hello?”   
“Hello, Mr. Smith, this is Daniel Howell, I know your star player Derek McLain and the Sharks will play here in London in two weeks.”   
“That’s correct Mr. Howell, what do I owe the pleasure of your call”   
“I’d like to make a deal with you and the team owner…”


	9. The Calm Before the Storm

“Phiiiiiil are you ready? We’re going to be late!” Phil heard Derek from the main hall, he was fixing his hair and was starting to wonder if this was a good idea at all, Derek was so excited and Phil was so happy for him but he wasn’t sure if he was ready to be seen as Derek’s… how do we call it ‘date?’ even if the media was already speculating something about it.

“I’m ready Derek, I’ll be down soon!”

Phil rushed to the hall and saw Derek fixing his dirty blonde side bang so it didn’t fell right in front of his face, when he turned around he was stunned by Phil, he knew Phil was as beautiful but now he knew he made a right choice with the boy he was wearing black skinny jeans and a sweater with different shades of blue that made his blue eyes even brighter. “You look so beautiful.” He said blushing lightly and gently grabbed Phil’s hand. Phil blushed and avoided eye contact with Derek. “Thanks, you don’t look bad yourself” which made Derek laugh and give Phil a wide smile. “Let’s go then! I can’t wait to show the whole world that I’m being escorted by the cutest man on earth.”

_“Awwwww Daaaan!” Phil groaned softly into Dan’s ear while hugging his wait from behind “No Phil, what if they don’t like me?” Dan said a bit nervous playing lightly with Phil’s fingers “Why would you think that? You know my parents have no problem with me having a boyfriend.” Phil began stroking the hair that was behind Dan’s ear “I don’t know Phil, you never know when they can change their minds and with me pursuing my dream as an artist…what if they think I’m useless?” Dan said softly turning his head to the floor, feeling his lack of confidence taking the best of him and suddenly he felt Phil’s light kiss on his neck “Don’t worry bear, they’ll love you, I’m definitely sure about it” “Why would you say so?” “Because I’m being escorted by the cutest man on earth, now let’s go, my parents are waiting” and with that they walked hand by hand to Phil’s house smiling because they knew that together nothing could go wrong._

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

“MR. MCLAIN! MR. MCLAIN! OVER HERE!” The press conference reporters were screaming every second after Derek finished answering a question. If Phil was being completely honest, he had NO IDEA how American football worked, let alone regular European football, now try another type of football. But if he was willing to someday give Derek a chance, maybe he could begin TRYING to understand a bit of it, he was about to open a link of a video that explained it when he heard _it_ he heard. That question.

“Mr. McLain what do you feel about Mr. Daniel Howell performing “ _God Save The Queen_ ” and “ _The Star-Spangled Banner_ ” before the game?”

Phil let his phone fall to the floor and a couple of reporters gave him a quick look before turning their attention back to Derek.

“Well I have nothing but respect for Mr. Howell and if I’m being honest I think it would be a honour meeting someone that represents the British music like he does” Reporters went back to taking notes and making other questions but Phil couldn’t’ think about anything else. Dan was going to sing before Derek’s game and he knew it was no coincidence. When the after shock ended he looked back to the reporters and saw that there was one who was staring right back at him with a suspicious look before slowly turning around and taking notes like the rest of them. 

After the conference was over Phil couldn’t concentrate in anything and got the scare of his life when he felt a hand touching his shoulder “Hey Phil-WOAH sorry, I didn’t meant to scare you.” Derek said softly when he saw Phil’s pale face become paler. “N-no don’t worry, what did you wanted to talk about?” he said trying to pretend being as calm as possible “Well, now that I’m done why don’t we go for a coffee and a muffin?” Phil smiled at the wide smile Derek had on his face “Yeah sure, just-“ and then there it was the most beautiful voice he has ever heard “Derek McLain! It’s so nice to finally meet you” Dan Howell in bone and flesh said behind him reaching Derek’s hand to a firm handshake and then he turned to look at Phil ‘ _GOD HE’S GORGEOUS’_ “Hello Philip, how’s everything doing?” He stayed making small talk to Derek and being a bit TOO close to Phil. When he gave them both a handshake as goodbye Phil felt that spark he hadn’t felt since they broke up and also he felt a small piece of paper trapped under his hand.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Lunch with Derek was nice but he kept trying to touch Phil’s hand above the table the whole time, Phil pretended to not caring but after seeing Dan earlier his mind couldn’t travel anywhere else, Derek’s hands were big and firm and…nice, but it didn’t felt the way Dan’s hand felt. 

After Derek left him on his front door he gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and the promise of texting him as soon as he arrived home.

After he got inside he couldn’t help but groan, he has never been so confused before, Derek was charming and sweet and he was truly looking for a chance of getting a place in Phil’s heart. But after seeing Dan again today he wasn’t so sure anymore, especially after that tingly feeling he got when he touched him.

As a regular costume Phil has before showering, he checks every pocket for important stuff. And there he felt it, the piece of paper Dan left earlier in his hand. He carefully unfolded it and began reading.

 

**Phil, oh my dearest Phil, life brought us back together for a reason, you can’t be with that tool Phil, look inside your heart and you’ll see who is the one you truly want. I’m here this time to stay and to never EVER letting you go again. I’ll leave my number in here in case you feel alone and want to talk. I still love you Phil I seriously do. And I won’t rest until you leave that stupid American and return to me. ;]**

-       **Love, Dan xxx.**

 

Oh god what was he going to do now, in one side he has the safe choice, cute, charming and really sweet but on the other side there’s…Dan, hot, rebel, carefree, romantic and if he thinks of it, the love of his life. But also a complete mess, how can he expect to be making the right choice. He really has to talk to someone, so he scrolls fast until he finds the correct person and dials.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I'm a terrible person for not updating before, but this semester got me like crazy but I'm finally done so expect a more frequent update and also sorry for this chapter being a bit short I promise it gets better :) Lot's of love! :)


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